Accountability

Shadow Bio

Here is my best attempt at owning my shadows, the trauma underneath them, and how I’m working through them.

This page is meant for my clients (current and potential) thinking of working with me. It was inspired by Garrett Rokosh from Circling Canada, who had this idea during a time when some of the leaders in our community were being called out for unethical actions.

None of us are naive enough to think we’re perfect, or that being in transpersonal leadership work means we’re complete with our own healing. In an ideal world, the leaders I trust are people with wounds and trauma they’re still unwinding. What makes them people of integrity is that they’re willing to own their shortcomings and vulnerabilities openly. I believe it’s one of the most honest ways to embody what leadership actually requires.

If I want that ideal world to be real, I should start with myself.

This is scary, edgy, and vulnerable. I can see why most people would shy away from being this open about their own shortcomings, especially when it could affect their livelihood.

That’s exactly why I believe it matters.

My shadows

What I’m still working with.

As part of my work, I do a regular inventory of the relationships in my life where I’ve held resentment, caused harm, or been out of integrity. This list reflects the patterns I’m continuing to work with.

Attraction-seeking patterns with women

I'm aware of how attraction-seeking has shown up in my work, including subtle power dynamics, impression management, and confessional moves that can serve me more than the connection. I've done significant work on this and I'm aware when it surfaces. It still surfaces. Naming it out loud is part of how I keep it honest.
People pleasing

Fawning for validation was a survival mechanism growing up. It still shows up in situations with people I admire or feel attracted to. I'm conscious of the pattern now, but if we're just meeting, I may slip into it before I catch myself.
Emotional bypassing

When I'm facilitating, I'm in my zone. I hold structure and people are transformed. When I'm not facilitating, I'm often awkward in social settings, especially in groups. I can panic before functions where I'm not leading. In those moments, I can lose touch with my own emotional body. This is something I'm actively working with: how to just exist in a room without holding it.

My trauma

My shadows come from trauma.

I grew up as an undocumented immigrant, with strict parents who preached constant fear of authorities and outsiders. I learned to see most situations and people as things to avoid because they were potentially dangerous.

I grew up under extreme supervision and very little explicit love. My father, to this day, has never said “I love you” to me. That was one of my deepest wounds for a long time. He is also, in many ways, the embodiment of my own fears and shadows. I watched him go from a connected, community-driven man to one living in constant fear, anxiety, and heartache. The things I yearn for most, depth, genuine curiosity, real support, are the things I never received. I’ve had to learn how to embody them myself.

I survived childhood through fabricated stories, absent-minded behavior, and hiding. I did a lot of withholding, fawning, checking out, dissociating, and freezing.

Most of my adult life has been spent rehabilitating these patterns. The foundation underneath them is worth naming.

My accountability

Who holds me to it.

So what am I doing about all of this? How am I accountable to my own work? Who is holding me to it?

No sexual or romantic advances

My primary clients are men, followed by couples, followed by women. When I lead co-ed workshops, I bring a woman co-facilitator. I commit to not advancing sexually or romantically with anyone who works with me for at least six months after our work ends. I name this commitment at the start of every 1:1 container with a woman. If I notice any charge developing with a woman I’m actively working with, I bring it to the male mentors in my life and get clear on the integral path forward.

I’ve also done substantial work on my own wounds with the feminine, including a two-and-a-half year feminine cleanse where I had no connection of any kind with women, and where I learned to honor my own feminine before reaching out for validation from others. That period reshaped the work I do with women now. I’m not opposed to going through another cleanse if I notice my neediness activated again.

Elder mentorship

Some of the people who check me on a regular basis are elder men I look up to as mentors. Among them is Bob Jones, a man who’s my mentor through The Mankind Project. He’s guided me through truth and the questions of my purpose. I have a few other mentors named in my bio. As long as I stay connected to them, I know I’ll be guided in integrity.

Daily practices

I don’t lead clients into practices I haven’t done myself. My work is experiential, and I can’t share it justifiably if I haven’t lived it. Regardless of how anything lands with others, I commit to only sharing practices, prompts, and experiences that I’ve worked through myself, more than once, before offering them. I keep a regular practice of yoga, nei gong, breathwork, journaling, time in nature, and time in deep connection.

Men’s work

My men’s work is the foundation. These men challenge me, support me, and uplift me. They are my pillars. I commit to staying connected to a men’s group for as long as I’m doing this work. The day I no longer have a support system of men around me is the day I’m no longer qualified to do this.